East Syracuse, New York Update

Posted on October 29, 2010 by Rian

Yikes. From 75+ degrees and humid (and disgusting) as all get-out when I was in Boston, to mid-50′s and pleasant in Nashua, NH to low 30′s windchill today in Massachusetts/Upstate New York. Brrr. It was so windy today I was forced to pretty much drive the speed limit lest I get hurled off the road, which I almost did anyway given the wind gusts, on the Mass turnpike and NY Thruway (where unfortunately I received a ticket for speeding on my way out a couple weeks ago – my 2nd in this state in the past 3 1/2 years). So the wind was a blessing in disguise. There were cops strategically hidden around bends and at the bottom of hills in various areas on the Thruway. I try and use cruise control whenever possible but it is hard with two lanes filled with trucks and people driving at various speeds.

Right now I’m in East Syracuse in a hotel that seems to be filled with lively guests, sitting in my room waiting for my room service order to be delivered. [Funnily enough as soon as I typed that sentence, there was a knock on my door and my chicken/fruit/salad dinner arrived]. When traveling alone I don’t usually have the guts to go down to the hotel restaurant by myself, so I order room service or just eat something pre-packaged.

It was so sad leaving B again today! We somehow managed to connect on a deeper level (friendship) during this trip, even talked about things we never would talk about before. I know he is definitely a soul mate, I get such a peaceful feeling around him – and he does around me as well. He is a very ‘what you see is what you get’ kind of guy and I managed to get him interested in the metaphysical world by the time I left. I feel I got healing from him and vice versa. I also learned a lot more about myself through him. I swear it really is absolutely amazing how much we can learn about ourselves from the people in our lives. Almost everything you want to know about your personality and characteristics, you will see mirrored in others around you. To the point that it will blow your mind. It can be hard to grasp, especially when you find out that super awful annoying person in your life is only doing the same thing you do – either outwardly, inwardly, towards others or towards ourselves. And once you change that in yourself it often becomes changed in the others around you…

Anyway, back to my day… my car’s ‘low tire alert’ light has been on since somewhere around Indiana on my way OUT here. I got my car serviced yesterday and the darn thing seems to be running more roughly than it was before. Also, the tire light has not gone off – plus it flashed at me this evening. I was alarmed and pulled off the highway, checked the tires and they were all FINE. Blasted malfunctioning car computers. I’m going to have to take the car in when I get home to see what is going on.

Overall and despite my whining, it was a good day. Glad to be indoors for the night. Looking forward to seeing my friends back in Tulsa although I’m still not 100% ‘ready’ to go home. Hopefully by the time I get there I will be. ;-)

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Hitting The Road Again

Posted on October 29, 2010 by Rian

This will be a super quick post since I’m supposed to be checking out of my hotel right now and picking up B for our final breakfast together (until the next time I’m out here). I shouldn’t have posted which hotel I was staying at (in my last post) because somebody crank-called my room very, very early this morning. Nice wake up call! Lesson learned. :)

It was a very contemplative morning however, and I took a nice long bath and relaxed. I’m pretty sore from all the walking this week so it helped with that.

Anyway, I will update more later tonight from Syracuse or tomorrow. I’m leaving this afternoon from Nashua and hitting NY for the night, then Columbus tomorrow night. Not quite sure where I will be yet for Sunday.

Hope everyone has a great Friday! And to anyone going to Halloween parties tonight, have fun and stay safe! (I’m unfortunately missing the ones I was going to attend in Tulsa, but that’s OK).

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Just Another Update

Posted on October 27, 2010 by Rian

Well, it’s the end of October. I have really been MIA around here lately. I need to check the stats for this site and see if anyone even reads this anymore! (If nobody does, I completely understand. :-) )

Currently, I am staying in the Hyatt Regency Hotel in downtown Boston, MA. I’ve been here the past three days. Before that, I was in Nashua, NH (the city I lived in for several years before moving to Tulsa). What happened is that I had been contemplating coming to the northeast sometime in the fall 2010 for a couple months, but I couldn’t make a decision. (I’m a typical Libra.) I have been suffering a bit of “blahness” on and off for the past few months. So, after the first week of October, something clicked… and I decided that I absolutely NEEDED to get out of Tulsa for a while. I made reservations and hit the road. I left Tulsa on Wednesday, Oct 13th, and arrived in Nashua on the 16th. I took some cool pictures of foliage (which I have posted on my Facebook) and met up with my old buddy B who I used to party with back in 2007/2008.

Basically my sobriety ended almost as soon as I left town. As soon as I got to Nashua, I fell back into my old habits with B. It turns out he drinks even more now than he did before. And if I’m honest, I’m no slouch in that department. After all, I didn’t join AA for the fun of it! Haha. :) Anyway, we had fun hanging out in Nashua, and came down to Boston a couple of times on the Boston express bus and had fun down here too. I finally decided that I should get a hotel room down here because I truly LOVE this city. It was hard to get a room (the city was booked) but I finally did. So I’ve been here all week. Each day I’ve been taking long, long walks around the city, taking pictures here and there and just enjoying myself. I’m staying in a really nice suite in this hotel and it’s been great!

Anyway, one reason I don’t mind giving out my exact location is because I’m checking out of here tomorrow and heading back up to Nashua for one more day/night. Friday I will [unfortunately] have to hit the road to go back home to Tulsa. I have my day all planned tomorrow: getting up around 8:30am, taking one last walk around the Boston Commons and probably Beacon Hill, coming back here, showering, working, packing, checking out of the hotel in the early afternoon, then heading back to Nashua. I left my car up in Nashua at B’s apartment complex so I wouldn’t have to drive or park while down here. (It’s a nightmare!)

One of the reasons I left town was to get some clarity and peace of mind. Sometimes it is hard to get perspective when you are in the middle of a situation. I always see things more clearly while outside of it. I will have to start over in my metaphysics class (since I missed 2 weeks in a row), but it is OK. I haven’t forgotten anything I’ve learned; in fact, I have gained an amazing amount of clarity, perspective and awareness while being away from home. I’ve also had some amazing and vivid dreams – including lucid dreams – since leaving. I was taught in class how to interpret dreams based on the Universal Language of Mind, and sometimes when I am in the middle of a dream, I start to interpret it right then and there! It’s pretty amazing. Even more, I remember or realize things while dreaming that I don’t know/remember while awake.

Onto diet/weight stuff… well, I am still around the same weight as before, give or take 8 pounds. I haven’t weighed myself since late September. I have been pretty active physically since hitting the Northeast though, not to mention the many miles I’ve walked around the city of Boston, so I am pretty sure my fitness level has increased a bit. Clothing is looser and I find myself feeling much more energetic. I think all of those stationary bicycle workouts helped increase my fitness and core muscles quite a bit. I can see a definite difference when walking and carrying lots of bags and luggage. Actually – a large difference.

I will weigh myself upon arriving home in Tulsa… part of me doesn’t want to go home. I love love LOVE being ‘gone’ if that makes sense. I miss my friends back there though but have stayed in contact with most of them.

In other news, it’s been about six months since I started wearing Invisalign braces. Now let me confess something… one major reason I’ve never taken closeup pics and posted them here is because I have had a pretty major overbite since childhood. Buck teeth, to be exact. With really uneven teeth on the bottom and a very uneven overbite on the top. Not to mention, I had a cap on one of my front teeth that caused it to be mildly discolored for years and years. I could have gotten braces back when I was 17 but was too scared. I grew up in a family who spent money on things other than dental work, except when absolutely needed. Anyway, I finally succumbed this year in April or May and got Invisalign braces, as I posted about and complained about back on GirlonaDiet. It’s been a painful six months to say that least.

So here I am, six months later… I have only seven weeks left to wear the braces on my top teeth, and about 11 weeks for my bottom. I have checked my teeth periodically to see what they look like and have been delighted with the results. But today topped it all… I looked in the mirror and smiled. It was a revelation. Damn… major stuff. My upper teeth are all pretty much even now. My bottom teeth even look almost straight. I am so excited for December, which is when I get the top ones off for good. But already I can now smile for the first time IN MY LIFE and not be embarrassed. This is major stuff!! I have gotten lots of compliments from people here who knew me before when my teeth were all bad. And compliments from people in Tulsa who think I already have an amazing smile. I have taken to smiling for ‘real’ in previous months.

Anyone who read GirlonaDiet in the last year know I complained loudly and often over the intense Invisalign pain earlier this year. But let me be clear now: THE PAIN IS WORTH IT. INVISALIGN WEARERS, ENDURE THE AGONY, YOU WILL BE DELIGHTED WITH THE RESULTS!! I never thought I would have a nice smile. Ever. But I now do. :-D

Anyway, so that’s my update for now… don’t know if anyone is still reading this, but if you are, sorry for being away so long!

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Still Alive!

Posted on October 12, 2010 by Rian

Hey all, I am still alive. I will update very soon (in the next day or two) as to what has been going on. I am now 33 years old. Life has been really interesting lately. Weird. Crazy. Good. Bad. Strange. Awesome.

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Quick Update

Posted on September 16, 2010 by Rian

I’ll do a quick update in bullet points, mostly because I’m too lazy and rushed right now to type out coherent paragraphs:

  • I’ve had some ups and downs since last posting. Some very ‘down’ downs, but now things are back up to where they should be.
  • I’ve started a new fitness regime, where I work out 30-60 minutes each day. My metaphysics and spiritual disciplines are spilling into my everyday life and I actually can stick to things I plan to do (for a change. It’s exciting!) I’m also sticking to a mostly nutritious diet. I’ve went back to eating for nutrition. Weight loss is happening very slowwwwwly.
  • I’ve learned even more amazing and mind-blowing things about life and the world since last posting. Perhaps I’ll make time to sit down and type some of it out soon.
  • My 33rd birthday is coming up soon – on the 28th, to be exact.
  • Someone left a comment that I deleted but later wished I didn’t. It said something to the effect that “Whoever runs this blog is an idiot! You don’t know anything about yourself!” The person who wrote that was obviously projecting their own insecurities and uncertainties onto me; however, they were right that I haven’t known myself in the past. However, I’m learning more and more each week. (I don’t think I’m an idiot, however). :) I’ll get there one day. I’m on the path to self-realization now.
  • Speaking of which, through my studies over the past 13 weeks, I’ve learned an awful lot about myself. Through my studies I’ve become extremely aware of my thoughts. A lot of them can be viewed as negative. It’s hard to learn the truth about your own ego. However, there is hope. Once you see yourself and your ego for what it truly is, the time comes to embrace acceptance and neutrality over it and your thoughts. That’s the place I’m at now. I’m working on not judging myself negatively anymore. What’s the point? The ego is just the ego. It’s not the real me.
  • I’ve further developed my intuitive abilities over the past several weeks. And I’ve had an unintentional but obvious Kundalini awakening. More on that later.
  • And that’s all for now!
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Spirituality, Ego, Intuition & More

Posted on August 24, 2010 by Rian

Life has been just crazy interesting lately. Ups, downs, and then higher ups than I’ve ever experienced.

First off, I need to correct something I said a couple months back. Remember when I said I had to end a ‘toxic’ friendship because the person was way too negative? And that they were seemingly trying to keep me in a fearful, negative frame of mind? Well, I was wrong. Oh-so-wrong. It turns out I was the one who was being negative. I was the one who was choosing to see this person as negative. It took a while for me to realize this, but thank goodness I did in time! I have made amends to the person and we are friends again.

Remember that post about us all being mirrors of each other? Well, I’ve learned it goes way beyond that. I’ve learned that we literally project every last one of our issues onto other people. Not just some of them, all of them. A lot of the time we project things we don’t want to see or accept in ourselves, things we would never admit to in a thousand years. (Hey, it’s easier to blame them than accept the responsibility of it ourselves, right?) Not to say that we should sit around and stew in self-hatred or bitterness. No no no. But by forgiving the other person for their seeming ‘flaws and issues’, we are actually forgiving ourselves for the issues.

It truly is mind-blowing. I will post more about this stuff when I’m able to form more articulate thoughts on it. I’ve begun to do A Course In Miracles, and the ideas presented in it are beyond astounding, but they ring true to me. Especially after my studies into metaphysics and spirituality. That book brings it all together in a way that I never could have imagined. The entire premise is based on forgiveness, and how we project our own things onto everyone around us, and through forgiving them, we are forgiving ourselves as well as slowly undoing our ego.

I’ve now been a metaphysics student for about 11 weeks. For four weeks, we studied about the ego and how to become conscious of its thoughts. It’s really hard to do, but all of our concentration exercises (the candle flame exercise, and now meditation) help. Once a person really delves into spiritual learning and begins studying the ego as a way of eventually undoing it, that person’s life is thrown into a tailspin. (See previous post as an example! Ha). I’ve gotten to a point where I can (much of the time) actually separate out the ego’s negative thoughts. It’s absolutely insane what it will have you believe about yourself and others!

We finally moved onto meditation last week and this week. I’ve finally started meditating daily, and I am absolutely LOVING it! I have always been able to naturally do the lotus position (I suspect I was a yogi in a past life at least once). :) The half-lotus (with one leg over the other) is the most comfortable to me though.

Anyway, my intuition has been off the charts in the past week or so. If I suspected I had intuitive ability before, now I know it for an absolute fact. I can’t even get into all of the things that have happened. Last Friday was the most intuitive day I’ve ever had. I knew events would happen before they did. The thought about what would happen would pop into my mind, and sure enough, they happened. I know part of this ability comes in my now being able to pay attention to the thoughts going through my mind.

The most exciting thing that has happened is that I had an out-of-body experience last week. Wednesday night, something changed. Not sure what exactly… I went to bed that night, and had several very vivid dreams. After each dream I would wake up and was alert enough to write it down. Somewhere around 3am or so, I vividly recall floating up out of my body. (I could see my body under the covers as I drifted upwards). I knew what was happening and welcomed it, as I’ve been wishing for another out-of-body experience for some time now. I went off to distant lands and realms and had the time of my life! It was absolutely exhilarating and exciting. I was completely lucid and in control the entire time. I even talked to people I came across. When I ‘returned’ to my body, I was sweating profusely for some reason. I believe something inside of me changed during that time I was ‘gone’, because I have become extremely aware since then. Aware of everything, in a way I never was before. I’m able to see that everything is connected… everything… things that happen in everyday life, the people in our life, our dreams, our struggles, our resentments towards others, the good things that happen, etc. I can see a connection between it all but am unable so far to articulate it properly. My teacher advised me to sit down and start writing it out.

So, that’s what has been going on with me lately… meditation, intuition, spirituality, forgiveness, learning, growth… as well as ‘bad’ things here and there. Exciting stuff!

As for weight and diet, I’m still around the same weight. I fluctuate up and down. As mentioned before, I stick to only fruit on Mondays for my class. I did that yesterday and so far today I haven’t eaten anything. I’ve decided to drink only water, juice and coffee today until this evening, where I will then have a light meal. I’m about to go meditate on a totally empty stomach. I want to see if it makes a difference!

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Rian’s Crazy Saturday

Posted on August 15, 2010 by Rian

Hey all, sorry for the lack of posts around here. I just haven’t felt very inspired to write much of anything. Life has been amazing lately but not without some pitfalls and painful lessons. Yesterday would be an example of the latter…

As some of you know, I am an alcoholic and attend a recovery program. I don’t talk about it much online because of the anonymity aspect. Anyway, I relapsed (again) on Friday night. Despite a wonderful week filled with joy, I had been plagued with nonstop cravings. I finally gave into them on Friday. I became somewhat depressed upon waking Saturday morning and felt like giving up on the program, felt like I was failing, etc. So I sent a couple of texts to people – one being a guy (whom I’ll call A) who has become a good friend recently. I sent the other message to my sponsor, who is a really sweet, kind wonderful woman (who I’ll call KS here). I told them not to expect to see me around for a while. I then shut off my phone after sending the texts because it needed to be charged and I didn’t want to talk to anyone. So… unknowingly, I had started off a chain of events that would culminate with me having the PD and ambulance people banging down my door!

Basically, a lot of alcoholics and addicts get depressed when they relapse and many of them – including a friend of mine recently – try and sometimes succeed to commit suicide. Now, I am not the least bit suicidal, even when drinking, partly because of my beliefs in reincarnation. I know if I do that, I’ll have to come back and do all this crap all over again. No thanks! However, my friends both had lost people to suicide and death recently, and they became very worried by my texts. And the fact that they couldn’t get through to me on the phone.

So… I went back to bed and started reading a spiritual book, not knowing A and KS were so worried. A got ahold of another wonderful woman that I’ve recently become friends with (who I’ll call KR here), who got ahold of yet another friend (L). The three women decided to come and visit me. I had no idea of any of this, was in bed reading, but I could hear a commotion outside in the hallway. However, I have very noisy neighbors and figured they were causing the commotion. It turned out the three women were banging on a neighbor’s door, thinking I lived in that apartment. (Two of them have actually been in my apartment recently but just couldn’t remember the exact one I lived in. My apt. complex is confusing). So, since they couldn’t get ahold of me and I wouldn’t answer the door, they figured I’d committed suicide or something along those lines. (Had they knocked on MY door, by the way, I would have let them in. I just had no idea that anyone was even looking for me!) So they called 911.

So there I was, laying in bed reading, and suddenly I heard loud banging on my front door. I figured it was UPS again (they’d delivered me books earlier in the morning, I assumed they were bringing another package). I got up to go to the door, still in my nightgown, but suddenly noticed the bottom lock being turned from the outside. I started panicking slightly that something was very wrong. Then I heard several men calling out “Rian, we are coming in.” Then they almost broke down the door. I assured them that I would open the door, thankfully before they did any real damage to it. I unlocked the deadbolt and they asked me “are you armed?” Being confused beyond belief at this point, I exclaimed, “What? Of course not!”

So anyway, three policemen and two ambulance guys came in to talk to me. They said I’d sent suicidal messages to friends and they had been terribly worried. The girls were standing downstairs because they hadn’t known if the PD would find me dead or something.

Anyway, I told the PD and EMTs what had happened – that I’m an alchy who simply relapsed and had considered not going back to AA. And was tired of failing in the program. However, they had to follow protocol. They basically told me that I could come with them willingly to a hospital, or the police would have to be involved. I kept telling them that I wasn’t the slightest bit a danger to myself and certainly had NO intention to off myself. I couldn’t believe that anyone thought I was suicidal. Especially since I’d been really happy and cheerful all week.

So after getting checked out by the EMT’s, I ended up going willingly. Heck, no way was I getting in a police car! There were three police cars and an ambulance parked in front of my building, God only knows what people thought was wrong with me. I had to ride on a stretcher in the ambulance although it was obvious that I was perfectly fine. My three friends were waiting downstairs. I felt terrible to have gotten them so worried. The ambulance guys knew I wasn’t a danger at that point and actually engaged me in conversation the entire way to the hospital. When we got there, one of the ambulance guys leaned down and told me softly “You are actually free to leave once you get into the waiting room. Nobody will force you to stay. We just had to follow protocol and bring you here”. So I opted to leave, not wanting another four thousand dollar hospital bill. I called my sponsor KS and she came and picked me up and took me home. I apologized to everyone although nobody was angry – it was 12 step work, after all. I ended up going to the candlelight meeting last night. Decided not to give up on the program.

Sigh. What a day. I have learned a very important lesson: never send negative text messages then turn your phone off!

I am 100% convinced that EVERYTHING that happens in life is supposed to happen. That everything negative that happens is a lesson of some sort. And guess what? I have been praying for humility recently. And… this was my lesson. I also realized I have people in my life who love me. And that it isn’t time to throw in the towel on AA just yet.

Anyway, that was my crazy Saturday. What a day!

Update: I’m sober again.

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We Are All Mirrors Of Each Other

Posted on July 27, 2010 by Rian

Here’s a post about some of the things I’m learning right now. Figured I would pass it on… :)

You know how they say “water seeks its own level”? Well obviously that is true. However, that’s not the half of it. “If you spot it, you got it” completes the equation. Every bad quality you see in another person and don’t like, well, you have it yourself AND don’t like that you have it or have had it. ;) Even if you don’t want to admit it. The same goes for good qualities. We are attracted to others who have the qualities we want – good or bad. We are all mirrors of each other. It’s incredible once you start realizing this and looking around. It can be hard when spotting an annoying quality in another person, especially if you haven’t come to terms with the fact that you also have it.

For instance… there’s a girl that annoys the hell out of me because she acts like she knows it all.

Hmm… don’t I do that sometimes? Um YES.

There’s a person close to me that tends to give up on things too easily and can be very negative. Am I like that? Um YES, I have been like this.

A certain person close to me is extremely annoyed by her boss, because the boss is very judgmental and hard on her. I asked this person “Well, are you judgmental and hard on others?” “No, of course not,” was the answer I got. I then asked her “Are you judgmental on the inside, or hard on yourself?” And after thinking about it, the person said with realization, “Oh my goodness yes… I am very judgmental and hard on myself.”

I recently found another person somewhat annoying because they would talk about their problems over and over again, plus over-analyze everything to the extreme. At first I couldn’t figure out why it annoyed me, because I don’t usually tell other people my problems much or go on about my problems to others for long. However, after some reflection, I realized that I do it in my own head. My mind often races about the same issues over and over and over… and I over-analyze things to the extreme in my own head! (I am currently working on changing this now that I know about it).

Here’s a few more examples… there’s a person that I tend to not like being around because they seem so… fake. And someone else that I don’t like sitting next to at meetings because they breathe too loud. How does this reflect on me? Well, if I look at myself in all honesty, yes I myself am fake at times (mostly to hide the mess of a person I can still be), and as for the breathing, well, it has to do with me being overly self-conscious.

See how it works?

Try this. Think of someone right now who is annoying the heck out of you. Someone you can’t stand. Think of WHY you can’t stand them – come up with the reason. And then be honest, look at yourself, and find that characteristic in yourself. You will, it could be an inner or outer thing.

Next, think of a person you love – someone with amazing qualities. Figure out what it is that they have that you have, or are in the process of developing.

For those of you out there who think I’m nuts and don’t like me… come on, I know you are reading this. What exactly is it that you don’t like about me? :) Admit it… you have the same characteristics. You wouldn’t be reading this blog if I didn’t have something you have or want to have.

The bottom line is, if you want to know what kind of person you are, take a look at the people in your life. But do this only if are ready to face the truth. Sometimes, we aren’t ready to see the truth or even admit it.

I feel incredibly blessed to have the people in my life that I do today. Absolutely amazing people. I can look around and see the issues that people in my life are struggling with. And I am struggling with similar things. I can see my own flaws and qualities reflected on them.

And nowadays, I keep an eye out for those people who I notice undesirable characteristics in. For instance, yesterday I was walking through Walmart and kept running into people who reminded me of zombies. They were just kind of ‘there’, not paying attention to anything around them.

I realized it was a signal to me to start paying closer attention to things around me, because I have apparently been acting zombie-like in some way.

We also project our issues onto each other. I can go more into that subject once I know more about it. It’s basically an extension of what I’ve written above. More on that later… :)

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Why Rian Is On A Super Low Calorie Diet At The Moment

Posted on July 18, 2010 by Rian

(OK, all of my post titles won’t be in the 3rd person, but for now, it’s fun to post this way.) :)

So, I’ve been learning self-discipline in my metaphysics class.  Basically, I have a few things I need to do (that were assigned in the class) every single day of the week, and by doing them, I will build self-discipline, among others things, like a still mind, concentration, etc.  One of the exercises has me staring at a candle flame for 10 minutes each day and marking down every time my mind wanders.  It may sound silly, but it’s helped enormously with my concentration and with quieting my otherwise busy mind.  A previously assigned daily exercise had me staring at my 3rd eye area in the mirror for 10 minutes a day.  By the way, very, very interesting stuff can be seen and experienced during this exercise.  For instance, I got to see several of the faces I had in prior lifetimes… including all the way back to when I was apparently a prehistoric (Neanderthal?) person, and even an animal or bird of some type that I couldn’t quite make out. (More on this later).

So, for the past couple of weeks I’ve made a rather large effort to do the assignments nearly every day.  And… it’s paying off.  I now try and make a to-do list each day and can actually accomplish each activity I set out to do.  Trust me… for a person as lazy and undisciplined as me, this is a HUGE thing!

I decided to try to put this new-found self discipline towards my weight loss.  See, I’ve already lost a somewhat substantial amount of weight in the past year or so (especially in the past several months).  I seem to lose a chunk of weight, then stay at or around the same number for months and months.  Well, I’ve decided I want to lose another 11 pounds.  And I want to do it fast – get to a certain number, where I will inevitably be at (or near) for another month or so (probably several).  So… I have put myself on a very, VERY low calorie diet for the next 10 days or so.  Partly to test out my self discipline, and partly just to lose the next chunk of weight.

It’s working out surprisingly well. It’s only been two days, but for me, that is good. Especially at this particularly low calorie range.

I’ll update more about it in the next few days…

Posted in Dieting, Weight Loss | Tagged , | 6 Comments

The Story Of How Rian Started Waking Up

Posted on July 16, 2010 by Rian

Hey all… Rian here.  Some of you may know me as the owner of the very popular theskinnywebsite.com.  Some of you may know me from girlonadiet.com.  And some of you may know me in real life… or not at all!

Anyway, I decided to start this new blog so that I have a place to write creatively.  Believe it or not, I’ve wanted to ‘write’ for a living since I was 6 years old and won my first creative writing contest!  I’d written a fictional story about my mom leaving me out in the rain and it won a place in the Young Author’s contest in the Norwalk/La Mirada School District in So Cal.  So, here I am 26 years later, and I do in fact ‘write’ for a living, in a sense.  Actually, I post photos on the skinny website and write little blurbs, such as “so and so was spotted coming out of the grocery store” and other highly creative stuff. (Haha).  It is however considered writing for a living, so apparently I achieved my childhood goal – just not in the way I had intended. :)   All through my childhood and teen years and even young adulthood, I wrote funny, creative stories, poetry, etc.  Somehow it dropped off as I made it into my late 20′s.

Speaking of the skinny website, I started it on a whim – literally – back in November 2005.  I had a controversial and seemingly silly idea to start a blog that only talked about celebrity weight.  Somehow it managed to take off into a very popular website.  I quit my day job in July 2006.  Over the years it went from snarky and daring to a lot more tame and polite.  However, I still sometimes question the value of having such a website up.  I tried to sell the site (for a substantial amount of money, $XXX,XXX) back in January 2008 but the buyer (a large corporation) pulled out at the last minute.  It left me bitter and angry with a huge lawyer’s bill which I finally managed to finish paying off earlier this year.

Anyway, for now I’m keeping the site up.  I’ve cleaned up a lot of the mean and cruel comments people leave.  Nowadays I don’t really allow mean comments on the blog, as I don’t want to put that kind of energy out in the universe.

I have learned SO much in life in just the past 2 years.  Since turning 30 years old, it seems something switched “ON” in me and it became extremely important to learn the truth about life.  So I unwittingly set out on a journey to do just that.

Looking back, I can pinpoint my journey of knowledge all starting with a quest to find out information about healthy eating.  After having gained a lot of weight and suffering several illnesses and from overall less-than-ideal health, I set out to find out what the perfect diet was.  Somehow I stumbled onto a conspiracy theory website that was discussing how addictive and unhealthy MSG and other food additives were.  I was intrigued, having never been to that kind of site before.  I ended up exploring it for the next few months and coming across several other threads and websites about different things, including religion.  I’d been raised a Baptist Christian but had gone nondenominational in my early 20′s.

Anyway, in the following several months, I went from searching information about healthy diets to looking up information about UFO’s, aliens, then fruitarianism, then vegetarianism and animal rights, to finally… religion and spirituality.  I’d had that fear-based faith (believing I would go to hell if I strayed from Christianity or tried to learn anything beyond it) since my childhood.  I decided (rightly) that in order to truly have real faith, I’d have to break away from the fear aspect and explore it more deeply.  So I did.  And realized in the process that things weren’t what they seemed and they certainly weren’t what I’d been told and taught all my life.  I began searching for the real truth… I read several spiritual books, did tons and tons of research, and prayed every night for months for God to show me the truth.  (I never considered atheism for more than a few minutes, it just didn’t make sense to me).

As I broke away from my childhood fear of hellfire and damnation, a wonderful thing began happening: I started waking up to reality and seeing the world in a different way.  It was kind of depressing at first, as it usually is when a person begins waking up.  I went back and forth in my beliefs in the year following that.  I did some exploring, poked my head out to see the world, went back in hiding, then started coming out again.  The book Autobiography of a Yogi was the true turning point.  Something about that book rang true inside of me, more so than anything else I’d read prior.  That led to more reading, studying and learning.

Everything – while confusing, depressing, frustrating and uncertain for a while – finally culminated in my stumbling onto my current path.  I underwent several past life regression hypnotherapy sessions this year and have learned a great deal about why I am the way I am in this life.  Undergoing the sessions opened me up to further knowledge and spirituality and also opened my ’3rd eye’ chakra a great deal.  (More about this later).  I now also believe in Numerology and Ancient Astrology.  I discovered that I am a Life Path 7 and also have a name vibration of 7, which means I’m here in this life to learn, learn and learn more, especially about spirituality. (Coincidence?! No!  No wonder I love to learn new things).  Since age 30, I have opened my mind like a sponge.  Of course, open mindedness doesn’t mean believing everything and anything, it means I need to question things and learn why such information was presented to me in the first place, and how I can learn from it.

I’ve even written down things from my past and have now learned lessons from them.  In doing so I could see certain lessons that I was supposed to learn but had to repeat many times over because I didn’t.  I also could see how certain people I have met throughout my lifetime have been there to teach me something, and I them.

The most important thing I’ve learned recently is that the people in our lives are all reflections of ourselves.  (Took a while for this one to sink in).  I used to attract people who were extremely negative, emotionally immature, miserable, depressed, etc.  No wonder, because I myself was like that.  I am now attracting friends and people who are spiritual, stable and much more positive.  It’s absolutely amazing.  Apparently I had to become ready to accept good in my life.  And so I have.

Anyway, welcome to my new site!  I’ll be writing about all kinds of things here, like spiritual stuff, New Age, life in general, random stuff, my diet and weight on occasion, etc.

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