You may be asking yourself, “why on earth would she bother with more websites when she doesn’t even keep up with this one?!” Trust me, I’ve asked myself this same question. Actually, the main reason I don’t keep up here is because I am often torn as to what to post about. So much of my life has moved into spiritual and metaphysical things, and I’m not sure this is the right place to post the stuff.

I also find myself wanting to post about dieting, but at the same time, don’t want to clog this blog up with that kind of talk either.

So, I have decided to start 2 new websites. I have decided to start sharing much more openly about my life and all of the things I’m learning. One blog will be more spiritual knowledge-based, and the other will be about my life and what I do on a daily basis, which will include diet stuff, because I am trying out a new experiment: weight loss via visualization and imagination. I plan to share much more openly in that blog about myself. I’ve struggled with fear over what people think about me for FAR too long. This is my way of releasing that fear and becoming more confident about myself.

I will post links here as soon as the sites are fully up and ready!

• I went to a spiritual retreat in Windyville, MO (at the College of Metaphysics) in mid-February. It was a life-changing event.
• I have visited my friend S in Branson, MO three times in the past month! Once I went there for a weekend, the other two times were quick stops on my way back from other places. Our friendship is back to being really strong.
• I went to another metaphysical session in Indianapolis this past weekend. It was called ‘Still Mind, Present Moment, Open Heart.’ Had some clarifying, healing and learning experiences there.
• While in Indianapolis, I myself actually experienced a still mind more than one time. There are few words to describe this state of mind, other than that it is absolute bliss.
• Also while in Indianapolis on Sunday, I received a past-life crossing profile for myself and my friend S. The report clarified some of the reasons we’ve had a few struggles with our friendship in the past several years. It also shed light on why we are still friends after all this time, and why we both having healing gifts, among other things. (Turns out we were both nature/magical/herbal healers back around 800 A.D. in Scotland, among other things!)
• I am eating a vegan diet again! (Lol, I know, I know…)
• Have been meditating regularly again and having vivid dreams.
• Life has been interesting… I’ve been purposefully placing myself in circumstances outside of my normal comfort zone. For instance, at the retreat in MO, I had to share a room for the weekend with two strangers (women). I haven’t done anything like that in over a decade!
• I’ve gotten closer to some of my friends, while others have moved on.

And that sums it up for now. I’ll try to update more later!

(The coloring in this picture is a bit ‘off’, I actually have green eyes and my teeth are whiter than this.)

I’m aware that this is the first time I’ve ever posted a recent face picture of myself on here!

A more thorough update is coming at some point soon. I’m kind of ‘snowed in’ this week and have been working on my other websites a bit, plus relaxing, exercising, meditating, etc.

I am not currently eating a vegan diet. I did it for just a few weeks back in December. If I am truthful, the reason I got off of it is because I gained weight. It’s that simple. It sounds very selfish, especially considering my talk about how much I love birds and feel guilty eating turkey and chicken. I’m not going to pretend I’m above selfishness. I still love birds very much however and know I will eventually transition back into at least a vegetarian diet.

I’m currently eating very nutritiously and as ‘clean’ as possible – meaning very little processed food. My current diet staples are organic oatmeal, organic fruit (mostly apples and oranges), [mostly organic] veggies (both raw and steamed), a little dairy (Greek yogurt and occasional cheese), a little bit of chicken and turkey, plenty of fish (wild Alaskan salmon, wild-caught cod and lower-mercury wild tuna), sprouted grain bread and brown rice. Due to the alignment of my teeth (thanks to Invisalign), I can now eat apples and raw veggies much more easily. In the past, my jaws would tire easily due to misaligned teeth. I’ve been enjoying an abundance of my favorite apples: Honeycrisp, Jazz, and Pink Lady. Since citrus season is now upon us (yay!!!!) I’ve also been eating a lot of clementines and oranges.

I had unfortunately gained some weight back upon my return to Tulsa from my road trip – 7.6 pounds, to be exact – and I’ve now taken those pounds off. One of my goals for the year is to get back down to my original ‘thin’ weight I had before I was ever an alcoholic and before I got into the terrible habit of comfort-eating. That goal is somewhere around 120 pounds, give or take. I’ve got a little ways to go. I’m seriously considering starting a new diet blog to track my food and exercise. We’ll see.

I am now a healer. Not in an official sense, but since the amazing situation with my sister happened, I’ve done healing on various friends and acquaintances. Many people have approached me in recent weeks with various ailments and sometimes I just know that I’m supposed to do this for them. Most of it hasn’t even been ‘hands on’ and in fact has been ‘remote’. The results have been astounding and miraculous. In fact, it works so well that I had to struggle with ego issues for a while. My ego would feel bloated up and then at the same time start flooding my mind with self-doubt. Not a pleasant frame of mind to be in! I’ve managed to get past most of that.

I now have a good friend who has done energy healing in the past herself and is getting back into it. Other people around me have begun to get interested in it as well, and at the same time I’m ‘suddenly’ meeting other people who have trained in it or are interested in it. It’s a really exciting thing to be part of, especially since I believe that we as humans will be moving out of the old ways of ‘so-called’ healing – drugs, etc – and move into this new way which is much more powerful, works almost immediately and has no side effects! Best of all, instead of simply masking pain and symptoms, energy healing allows people to find the true cause for ailments and take care of them. Illness is basically is caused by thoughts – fears, worries, negative beliefs, etc. (Thought is cause!) Ultimately, every human being is responsible for their health and well-being. So many of us have gotten away from that and we’ve been relying on medicine and doctors and at the same time, blaming genetics and a host of other things for our problems. It is exciting to see where we humans can go with energy healing!

I also believe the extra weight many of us carry is full of doubts, fears and negative thoughts. Many of us (myself included) use extra weight as a protective mechanism. I’ve been utterly terrified to show people my ‘true’ self. I’ve hidden away since early 2007 (after a devastating breakup), afraid to come out of my cocoon. It’s one reason that every time I start losing serious weight, I feel frightened and empty. And ultimately fail. So this time, I’m going about my weight loss in a different way. I plan to share on it and share my journey at some point down the line. More on this later…

In closing, I’ve been sober for over a month now and plan to remain so!

Can we just take a moment and realize how much of a miracle this is? Back when I went vegan in 2009, I constantly craved cheese. Constantly. I would always give in at some point.

Anyway, I am on my last pair of Invisaligns for my top teeth! I’ve been using whitening strips & toothpaste because a couple of my teeth are stained from the many years that they were mostly ‘behind’ other teeth. The whitening toothpaste and strips are working very well. Never dreamed in a million years that I would have the smile I now have.

Yesterday I fasted for 21 hours. Basically I ate dinner at 6:45pm on Tuesday night, and when I woke up yesterday morning, I was not the least bit hungry, so I decided to fast for at least 20 hours and not eat until 2:45 at the earliest. (Ended up waiting until 4pm). I meditated twice during the fast and it was really nice. Last night my mind was completely at peace and I was able to fall asleep very easily. Perhaps meditation will be the cure to my restless sleeping patterns!

I need to start exercising again. It’s been pretty cold around here, but today is going to be around 60, so I’m tentatively planning a walk in the park.

Last but not least, my intuition has been off the charts the past couple of days. Curious to see if it will continue!

Diet

I’ve decided to go ahead and eat a vegan diet, but not be overly strict about it. For instance, I will still eat baked goods offered to me during the holiday season, all of which usually have some sort of dairy product in it. I will also occasionally eat Quorn products, which have eggs in them. Meat is off limits though completely. And I will no longer outright eat yogurt, cheese, eggs, etc.

Yesterday I ate 100% vegan and I slept better last night than I have in months!

I’m also practicing ‘mindful eating’, meaning I chew slowly, think about what I’m eating when I eat it, and focus on the meal as much as possible when eating. It seems to make a huge difference in digestion and how much I become satiated on. It’s so much easier for me to chew slowly and precisely now that my teeth line up correctly.

The funny thing is that now that I’ve made my decision, I feel a huge weight off my shoulders. No more stressing about calories, health, etc. I know without a doubt that my weight will finally stabilize. My meals consist mostly of fruit, veggies, beans, rice and whole grains. Last night was a turning point of sorts… I was supposed to go back to AA, but my dream awareness class carried over until 8:30. By the time I got out I was exhausted mentally and just wanted to go home. So I did. On the way home, visions of salty fattening fast foods roamed through my mind, but I was easily able to dismiss them and visualize the healthier food I’d eat once I got home. (Banana, a bit of peanut butter, piece of Ezekial toast).

Most importantly, I’m not going to go around preaching to all and sundry about animal rights or saving the world (like I did last time!!) I am doing this for myself, as intuitively I know it’s the right thing to do right now. I have no interest in judging anyone for what they do or do not eat. This is simply a step along my own path and now that the decision has been made, I feel so much more grateful and free and now I can focus on more important things. I do not want ‘what I eat’ to be the center of my life like it was back in 2009.

Healing

Sunday night was also a turning point. I did my very first hands-on-healing ‘session’! It wasn’t official, it was for my younger sister who had a horrible headache. Suffice it is to say it went well and I discovered that without a doubt, I have healing capabilities. Not only did I remove her pain but I was able to intuitively pick up on why she had gotten the headache in the first place. As I had my hands on her, I felt her exact thoughts/emotions that caused the headache. (I confirmed the next day that she had, in fact, had those thoughts. The amazing thing is that now she knows why she has been getting more headaches lately).

Last night I spoke with a friend/adviser who gave me some further information about healing. He said I need to learn to use my intuition to know what to do with the person’s energy. As a healer, you take on the person’s pain/ailment/energy and have to intuitively decide what to do with it. You can release it through a chakra, or give it back to them recycled, etc. However there [can be] karmic issues to deal with if you simply remove it, because often times the pain is there for a reason. (If a person specifically seeks you out for healing though I think it may be a different story). Unfortunately I didn’t know this at the time and simply absorbed my sister’s energy and later had to deal with the ailment myself (although not to the degree that she did, thank goodness!)

As I was driving home that night I felt absolutely energized and at peace and knew I had found what I am supposed to be doing in this lifetime. There are no words…

So, I am back at the ‘vegetarian/vegan’ crossroads again. I know, I know. I’ve been eating meat regularly for a while now (although still not beef or pork – it’s been almost 2 years without either of those). I’ve been doing a ‘low carb at night’ kind of thing to help shed a few more pounds. I enjoy the appetite suppression that eating more meat causes.

However… there’s this thing about birds. I’ve realized in recent months how much I love birds. I see them all the time, they seem to enjoy coming near me and walking near me. I can’t recall if I have mentioned this bird phenomenon on here, but a strange thing kept happening in recent months. I would be out walking in the park, and birds would fly up and walk in front of me on the walking path. Yes, walk. Or they would fly up and walk next to me for a bit. It happened often enough that I noticed it. Then, at the same time, I’d notice while pulling into parking lots of various stores I shop at, that a bird would walk in front of the parking spot I was pulling into – I’d have to wait for it to walk out of the space before pulling in! That happened so often that I couldn’t help but notice it. So, I was forced to find a meaning for these happenings (and I did).

It caused me to start noticing how much I like birds. They are awesome, beautiful and amazing! I know I’ve mentioned my fondness for ducks and geese in this and my other blog. So anyway, after the delicious Thanksgiving meal I had at my Aunt’s house on Thursday, which I partook in some turkey, I began thinking… if I am so fond of birds, why in the heck do I eat chicken and turkey? It just doesn’t seem right. It seems really hypocritical. (Keep in mind that this is my own intuition and belief and that I’m not imposing it on anyone else!)

Truth be told I am still completely grossed out by raw meat. To the point that I only buy pre-cooked chicken or turkey, or frozen. I cannot stand having raw meat in my kitchen, I feel it totally contaminates the place.

I found out recently that I have a certain amino-acid deficiency, and coincidentally enough, the one I’m missing cannot be found in meat. I started taking amino acids and drinking hemp protein shakes (blecccchhhh) to remedy the situation.

Anyway, I contemplated going veg or vegan again last night before bed. I woke up this morning with an absolute conviction that I must. I know we connect with our subconscious during dreams at night, and so I am assuming that it validated my decision.

Speaking of dreams… I’ve been having some of the most vivid dreams of my life! Including lucid dreams and out of body experiences. I had a doozy of an out of body experience on Friday night/Saturday morning. Once I was ‘back’ in my body I sat up and wrote down what happened, then went to the school of metaphysics last night and sat down with my former teacher (a truly amazing intuitive guy who has provided me with SO much help and advice over the past several months. I know this guy is the real deal – he has an amazing bright golden aura at times, especially when he sits down and advises me). We discussed what the experience meant and discussed other things.

Anyway, I think my mind is made up… I’ve been laying off the cheese (which has been one of my absolute favorite foods for a long time now!) a lot more lately because one night, I was literally told outright in a dream that cheese is not good for me. Yep – I’ve also had dreams lately where I am advised about certain things. For instance, when I was staying at the Crowne Plaza in Nashua, I learned that there was a Reiki healer practicing there. I was told in a dream to go and see her. Unfortunately, I never got around to it. (Oops).

The funny thing is that each time I tell myself, ‘OK, I’m going vegan’, my heart literally gets lighter and I feel totally joyful. Apparently that is the right thing to do! And even funnier is that I know I will have absolutely no problems with sticking to it this time… no problems with willpower or cravings.

I’ve rambled long enough for now… I’ll let you all know in a subsequent post as to what my ultimate decision will be!

However, some days, I can’t seem to ‘feel’ much. I can’t seem to care about anything. It’s as though I am frozen. Numb. And want to be left completely alone. Unfortunately I’ve had about 1-3 of these ‘down’ days per week lately, and perhaps 5-6 of the others. It’s an up and down thing.

I long to be balanced and live a balanced life. It’s something that as a Libra, I apparently chose to concentrate on in this lifetime. These ‘up and down’ swings color all areas of my life. Some days I am super-productive and gets tons of things done. And some days I seem to do nothing at all. Some days I feel so light, happy and peaceful that I can see it rub off on people I am around. Other days I rarely answer the phone, constantly hit ‘ignore’ and leave the house only if necessary. Some days I eat plenty and don’t care about calories or food intake. Other days, I watch every calorie go in and write it down and eat way less than I should.

Some would say I am bipolar. Some would say I have an eating disorder. Some would say I am nuts. Some would say I have exhibited unbalanced behavior. I would agree with the latter statement!

A lot has changed since early October before I left on my trip. Some friendships have dissolved; others have flourished. I rarely attend AA meetings although I will probably start going more regularly again soon. I attend School of Metaphysics events but not nearly as many as I want to. Last Sunday, I attended a Peace Pole event that was simply amazing. I met some new like-minded people, had wonderful conversations and got a peace blessing from a Native American tribe.

One life goal I have is to live simply and much more frugally than I have been. I still have a very strong desire to devote my life to helping others. The awesome news is that since learning to trust myself much more, my spiritual ‘gifts’ have flourished. When I chat with someone keeping an open and receptive mind, I’ll intuitively know what to say to them that may help them to see a situation more clearly. And people are starting to automatically ask what I think will happen in certain situations – basically asking me for psychic-like advice. When in these type of conversations, I can and do get information to give them.

But darn, those ‘down’ days… I wouldn’t call it depression, since in the past I’ve experienced some of the worst depression that can hit a person, and this definitely isn’t it. It’s more like on these down days, I am compensating for my higher energy and light days by being numb. Being around people on the down days seems like torture. Even with all the amazing, beautiful and wonderful people in my life these days, sometimes I want to hide myself away. (And I have been doing this!)

One day soon I will become much more balanced.

Anyway, I promised in my last post to discuss some of the paranormal events and experiences that have happened lately. This is an area that I hesitate to get to much into because – unfortunately – I am still somewhat ‘tied’ to what other people think of me. (Caring what others think of me is an area I have worked long and hard to eradicate. I am almost – but not quite – there…) What started happening a few months ago is that I would be woken up in the middle of the night (always between 2am-4am – mainly right at about 3am) by something touching me, patting me, pulling on my bed covers, or tapping/banging on my wall, mirror or window. (Keep in mind I am on the second floor!) I started having these experiences a few months into my Metaphysics course, especially when I started meditating regularly.

So, one night a couple of months ago, I distinctly recall waking up, hearing sounds of my window blinds clanking together (which is highly unlikely to happen, based on the fact that my window was not open that night and they are the large/thick blinds that don’t generally move). But I was so tired that I didn’t care. I acknowledged the sound, then turned on my left side and tried to get back to sleep. All of a sudden something or someone literally tapped/grabbed my foot, and alarmed, I sprang up. I could feel Kundalini energy coursing through me at the time and was aware I was undergoing some kind of healing. (I am one of the types that think Kundalini energy is healing more than anything else.) I sent a text message to a good friend (K) who often has coinciding ‘nocturnal visits/awakenings’ to see if anything was going on with her. Then I decided to try to go back to sleep, because I was tired. But as soon as I lay back down and got nice and drowsy, something/someone tapped twice LOUDLY on my mirror. There was no way that the sound came from anything NOT intelligent. I sat up, frightened at that point, then called my friend K. It turns out she was already up and was having some interesting experiences herself.

Since then I’ve had many experiences of spirits around me. It always happens in the middle of the night – around 2:30am-3:30am. Often times the activity is accompanied by the Kundalini energy, which I can feel going through my body, and if I close my eyes, I can see as pulsating light going out as a violet orb of energy. Unfortunately I am usually not able to get back to sleep until 5:30am or dawn.

I can update more on this phenomenon later… I consulted a ‘specialist’ about it and found out partially what/where it comes from. I found there are certain things I can do to keep it away most nights – and I’ve been doing it.

Anyway, thanks for reading! I will update more later.

One of the reasons I left in the first place was to get space from people. It seems everyone in my life was handing out advice and warnings on a regular basis. “Don’t do that!” and “You need to do this” and “You should do this” and “Oh, if you do that you will relapse and die!” were constant. I know now that the reason all this advice was coming is because I didn’t trust my Self and tended to lean on others for guidance on what I should be doing. It got to the point that my own mind was incredibly fogged up and I didn’t know WHAT to do anymore. One thing the metaphysics class taught me is how to separate out the ‘ego’ voice from my own. And let me tell you, it is the single most effective and amazing tool that anyone can learn. So anyway, I decided to put space between myself and others in my life to get perspective.

And perspective I did get… wow. Through dreams, as mentioned below, and realizations and deep introspection. Somewhere over the years I had gotten to the point that I thought I was less than others – not worth much and stuck in the same old thing over and over.

So in the past week alone, I have finally realized that any and all of the limitations I felt before were placed there by ME. And since that is the case, I can remove them, too! And that the road trip was a test of sorts to see how much I trusted myself and my own intuition (which had told me I needed the trip). And that by separating myself from all the people giving advice (well meaning as they are), I could learn to trust my own intuition and realize that darn it, I am a very strong, capable person who DOES know what is best for me. (Again – not the ego voice that tells me I’m worthless, making mistakes, etc – but my real Self, which I can now access easily from my spiritual disciplines). Absolutely NOTHING is a mistake! Everything happens for learning and growing.

Furthermore, I had a bad habit of getting ‘attached’ to people who had qualities I desperately wanted. I finally realized [in my heart of hearts] that anything I see in others are qualities and attributes that I already have! (I know, I’ve blogged about this several times, but it’s a concept that takes a while to truly and utterly grasp.)

Last but not least, the icky depressive feeling I had throughout the months leading up to the trip was and is a state of being that I do not need to identify with. See, we all have the dark side of our egos to contend with. I have finally grasped that I truly do not need to identify with it anymore. It tried rearing its ugly head a few days ago. The negative thoughts like “You aren’t doing anything right!” and “What’s the point?” and “This isn’t working”, etc. Crushing “I’m going to bed and hide under the covers” depression began to surface. It was different this time though. When the thoughts started, I immediately realized that it was a dark side that I can acknowledge but NOT identify with. (Thanks to that book “The Power Of Now” that I skimmed through a couple weeks ago).

I know it sounds way too simple, but upon realizing that, I released it. This is what I did: I felt the darkness creeping up. So I acknowledged it in my mind – said out loud to myself something like: “Yeah, I feel you… but this is not me. I don’t subscribe to this way of thinking anymore.”

And seriously – it went away and hasn’t returned. My days have been filled mostly with cheerfulness and positivity since. Any time I start feeling down or a negative thought or feeling begins to surface, I do the same thing – acknowledge and release.

I’ve also begun to finally detach myself from the people in my life. I’m not getting rid of people, but I’ve been peacefully detaching with them in my mind and am letting things BE the way they are. Previously I was too attached to friends and worried too much about if they were still my friends, etc. Now I’ve made peace that the people in my life come and go – and I enjoy them as they are and learn from them – but if friendships fall away, I know now that it’s OK and it was meant to happen. People, places and things come and go, but in the end the one constant is your true inner Self (Soul, Spirit, Consciousness, etc).

Mind-blowing stuff and I am so grateful to have let go of old harmful ways of thinking! Usually I would end a post here saying “Well bad things might happen but no matter what, I will be OK” and be overly cautious (and not trust in mySelf), but now I am going to say: Things are only going to continue to get better from here on out. I am becoming the person I truly am inside and will continue to learn, grow and teach. Nothing is or was a mistake. It is all for the good.

Basically we create our own realities with our thoughts, and if I believe I’m going to keep making ‘mistakes’ and not learning or growing – for fear or for whatever reason – then it will happen. Over and over. But knowing everything will be for the good and growth will cause that to be my reality.

Hope you all enjoyed reading my ramblings! I will update again soon. Next topic I will cover is the paranormal happenings that started up a few months ago and how I have finally learned how to deal with them….